Your “Why” Isn’t Out In The World For You to Find

The more we search, the more we avoid

Our “Why” is our purpose. Our driving force through life. A North Star, even. Without it, life is confusing, decisions are difficult, and we yearn for answers that are seemingly in another state, country, continent, or the other side of a new experience

What we fail to recognize is that the answers are already within us.

Studies from Narrative Psychology show that people construct their purpose and meaning in life by forming internalized stories from their lived experiences, stories that typically begin with formative childhood memories.

If you have defined your “Why”, is it connected to your past?

If you haven’t, I challenge you. Think back to what has shaped you. What characteristics were formed from your childhood? How can you connect the dots between your past and present?

Of course, not everyone wants to follow in their parents’ footsteps. Some people were shaped by pain, scarred by teachers, athletes, or systems they grew up in, and want nothing to do with those paths.

ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) research shows that not only do positive life experiences shape who we become, but oftentimes, negative ones as well.

It’s a matter of acknowledging them.

When I was growing up, I truly believed that my life was solely going to revolve around sports. I knew that I would go on to play somewhere professionally, end up coaching once I finished, and raise my future kids the exact same way.

However, as I reflected back on my past, I realized something. I never just played one sport, I enjoyed and played basketball, lacrosse, football and soccer. Not a smart strategy if I wanted to actually go to the league.

I never understood why I did that, but I did it because I wanted to.

When I was headed to college, I was faced with the ultimate identity crisis. I was given the opportunity to continue playing sports at the D3 or D2 level, but something in me couldn’t accept it. It was the dream, though, and maybe through practice, networking, and God’s will, I could’ve ended up at the D1 level. I didn’t know who I was outside of sports. I didn’t even realize the identity crisis I was stepping into, but I still chose to give up my dream and go to VCU.

Why was this? 

In reflection, it never was about sports. I showed early signs of this as a kid too, but I hadn’t connected the dots yet.

I enjoyed competition, that’s what drives me to be the best me, that’s how some of my best relationships have formed, that’s how I go about learning something new. 

I need something high-paced, pressure-filled, with a steep skill gap. Something that feels like the field or the court.

My parents, one is a C-Suite executive and the other a psychologist. As a young athlete, I never understood our connection. Growing older, I realized where my drive and open-minded approach to life came from.

My point is that our “Purpose” in life is rarely just imagined, but rather constructed based on how we interpret our past experiences. It’s linked to our early traumas or interests.

Which is why it is seemingly difficult to find. Pulling skeletons out of the closet is never pretty. Facing the pain? Not easy.

But it is worth it, to find your future.

What’s your “Why”?